11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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