my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
