I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
