You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
