went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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