Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
