I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
