I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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