Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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