im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
