ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
