she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
