just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
420 ftw
i think my tv is drunk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
