I'm so fucking centered right now
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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