Farmville is her only friend.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
last night I used snow as a chaser
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
