Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
