she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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