How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
