He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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