i will never coherently bang her
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
