OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
