I think i sorta joined a cult last night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
