Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
don't judge my taste in strippers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
