there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
