Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
