How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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