I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
