I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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