I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
