Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
