I haven't been this sober since birth.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
