I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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