Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
