he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
