I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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