I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
