I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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