Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
