my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
