i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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