just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
