i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
