Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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