Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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