if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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