I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
