Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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