I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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