Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
