I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
