the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
