I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
